I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize