Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I skipped work to stalk him.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
