I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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