Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
