just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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