I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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