bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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