I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
