i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
