I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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