Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
