i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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