Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
