You smell like a Billy Joel song
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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