I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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