I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
