No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
