I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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