Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
