I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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