Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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