What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
