dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
