you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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