Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
