haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to calm my uterus...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
