i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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