I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
