i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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