Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
