38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
