Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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