I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize