I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
