why im i the only drunk person in the library?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
