Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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