Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it's like heaven, but drunker
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
