Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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