I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
