well you can't waste a boner
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
