mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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