do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
