u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
