At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
