Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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