i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
