I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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