Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
