just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i now understand why vodka
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize