were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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