gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
