I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My liver just broke up with me...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
