I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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