I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
