The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
