Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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