Will you blow on my dice?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need a beard to bite.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
