i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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