I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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