I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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