I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
