So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
