SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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