That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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