Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
