life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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