so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize