I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
