did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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